Magical Exposition Cat

This was without a doubt the strangest day of Salmacis’s life. Not only was magic real, but she could now use it. Half her house had been destroyed in a battle against a monster named after a chess piece. And there was the flying, talking cat that was still following her around. Which she probably wouldn’t mind as much if it would stop calling her “the destined Mahou Shojou!” and insisting she needed to go on a magical journey to find more pieces of the Glitch.

“Um, if it’s alright with you Mr. Jaja-chan, I, um, think I’d rather just let someone else handle that.” Salmacis said as she walked down the sidewalk. Her bike had been an unfortunate casualty of her battle, meaning it was going to be a long trip back to school.

“Nonsense! Fate has chosen you as its champion. We must begin searching for more shards of the Glitch immediately!” Jaja-chan said as he floated next to Salmacis.

“I didn’t even know magic was real until a few minutes ago! How am I supposed to do any adventuring if I don’t know the first thing about what’s happening to me?”

Jaja-chan sighed. Well, more meowed. Meowed in a manner reminiscent of a sigh. “Alright, let me start from the beginning….
“Long ago, my race was the guardians of the Glitch. It was a time of magical peace and prosperity. But Dark Forces rose to shatter our peace. These forces of Darkness sought to claim the Glitch for themselves, and rule over the world as tyrants. The battle between my people and these evildoers was a terrible one, and left me as the last surviving member of my race. In order to stop the Evil, I used all my power to seal both it and myself away. However, that much strain caused the Glitch to shatter into the thirteen pieces it is now. For millennia, the seal kept the Dark Forces at bay. But they have now broken free, and seek to claim the Glitch to achieve their goal of total magical domination of the world. I was able to collect one piece on my own,” Jaja-chan indicated the glowing glass ball on his collar, “but the remaining 12 eluded me. But now that you have become a Mahou Shojou, you can go forth and save the world from evil’s grasp!” Jaja-chan finished dramatically.

Salmacis stared at him with narrowed eyes. “What?” He said.

“That story… sounds really fishy.” Salmacis muttered.

“Oh, so now you’re an expert on magical history?”

“No, but… why did you have to seal yourself away as well as the evil? Why is the evil just some kind of vaguely defined ‘Force of Darkness’ instead of having an actual name? Why doesn’t your own race have a name? If the pieces of the Glitch have been floating around for millennia, how come they’ve never come up before this? How did the Forces of Darkness escape the seal anyways? What even do you mean by sealing them away, how does that even work? How many millennia are we talking, because written history actually goes back several thousand years already so unless we’re talking over 6,000 years back this should still be something we have record of. Where do Magical Girls even come into the picture? How does it work that a race of talking cats are the guardians of the Glitch, but only a person can harness its power to become a Magical Girl? What even is magic anyways, like, what were those blue beams I was firing out of the staff? Some form of plasma? But there should have been significantly more heat were that the case, which means-”

“Whatever happened to young girls dreaming of becoming Mahou Shojou and having magical journeys?”

“I never agreed to have any magical journeys!” Salmacis shouted, a little upset about him interrupting her stream of questions.

“Ah! But you did! You formed a contract!”

“It was a stressful situation! Contracts formed under duress aren’t legally binding!”

Jaja-chan glared at her as best as his cat face could. Then he turned away and thought for a moment. “That’s a shame. You’re missing out on… on getting your wish.”

“My what?”

“The Glitch is a very powerful piece of magic. If a Mahou Shojou were to gather all the pieces together, it may have enough magic to grant her one wish. It could be any wish she want. Money, a lifetime supply of cake, love….”

“That… sounds even fishier than before.” Salmacis said, but there was the slightest hint of hesitation.

“I’ll let you think on it. But it seems we’ve reached your school. Since it would be suspicious for you to be seen with a flying cat, I shall take my leave.”

“Wait, I haven’t finished asking questions!” Salmacis said, but Jaja-chan had already vanished. Well, that hadn’t been as enlightening as she’d have liked. Time to see how much trouble she was going to be in for missing first period, then.

Part 2: The Reboot No One Asked For

In her dream, Salmacis flew high in the skies of the Empty City. She could see everything up here. There was her family’s home, tucked amongst the neat rows of the suburbs. Over there was Empty City High School, still looking like an abstract sculpture frozen mid-explosion. There was the park, and the mayor’s office over there…. All the buildings were like toys this far up.

Salmacis twirled through the sky, laughing the whole time. This was amazing! She wished she could fly like this in real life. Being able to move so freely, without any worries. Or… maybe with one worry. Salmacis noticed that something was growing in the center of the city, right next to the mayor’s office. Its shape kept shifting as it grew, making it hard for her to identify what it was. She tried flying closer, but when she approached the sky turned red and a siren began to wail. A gust of wind hit Salmacis, throwing her around the sky like a leaf in a hurricane. That thing in the city had grown enough that it towered over the buildings around, like some kind of multicolored mountain of chaos. A giant, disjointed arm grew out of it, reaching right towards Salmacis. She was helpless as the fist closed around her, and….

***

The siren still seemed to be going off. Salmacis turned in her bed and tried covering her head with her pillow to drown it out, but the noise cut through everything else. Finally, she groggily opened her eyes and glared at its source. Her anger instantly became terror as she realized that the “siren” was, in fact, her alarm. It was 8:20 AM. She was going to be late to school.

With a scream, Salmacis threw herself out of bed, and threw on clothes. She continued to scream as she sprinted downstairs towards the kitchen. Breakfast! She needed a breakfast! It was the most important meal of the day! But she didn’t’ have time for breakfast! Salmacis threw open the pantry and tried finding something that could be made fast. Bread! Bread could be made into toast! Toast didn’t take long to make! Salmacis slammed the slice of bread down into the toaster so hard that for a moment she worried that she might have jammed it.

In the next room, her sister Ichor was lying on the couch watching television. Salmacis couldn’t believe her sister was still at home, lazing around. “Don’t you have to go to school, Ichor?” Salmacis asked, her words rushing out all at once.

“Nah,” Ichor said. “First period’s calculus. I already read the textbook all the way through. No reason to sit through Mr. Proxiehunter’s rambling.”

This complete disregard for the school’s attendance policy offended Salmacis’ sensibilities, but her bread had just popped out of the toaster. Salmacis grabbed the slice and ran outside. It looked like EAT had already left with the car, so she’d need to make it to school on bike. Salmacis only slowed down long enough to put on her helmet, then she jumped onto her bike and started pedaling away, the slice of toast hanging from her mouth.

Salmacis had never ridden as fast as she did today. The pain from pushing her body was nothing compared to the horror that she might be counted as tardy. She managed to make it to the school gates with just a few minutes to spare. Her friend, Wooden Girl, was waiting outside for her. “I’ve never seen you this late.” Wooden said.


“Sorry! I’m sorry! I overslept!” Salmacis said as she tied her bicycle to the bike rack.

“Don’t apologize.” Wooden said. “Are you ready for the rehearsal today?”

Salmacis stopped partway through tying her bike. “The what?”

“Our play rehearsal. Mr. Dooling wanted us to run through the musical parts. He asked you to bring your instrument to school for it.”

The memory of a flute carefully stored in its case lying next to her bed back home trickled into Salmacis’s mind. “Oh no….” She said. “I completely forgot it! Mr. Dooling’s going to be so mad at me!”

“What? Him? Nah, he’s a huge pushover.” Wooden said. “He’ll probably just have us do the rehearsal tomorrow. Don’t sweat it.”

Salmacis was clearly still sweating it. “No! I need to go back and get it!”

“Alright, alright. Go on ahead; I’ll cover for you 1st period.”

Salmacis hesitated at this dilemma. Having someone lie about attendance for her was Wrong. But not coming to school prepared was also Wrong. And every moment she spent debating between the two was time not spent running back home. In the end, her desire to not disappoint Mr. Dooling won out, and she turned her bike around to ride home.

The house was unusually still when Salmacis arrived. Even though she knew it wasn’t necessary, Salmacis found herself tiptoeing through the door to avoid disturbing the silence. As she neared the staircase, Salmacis heard a rumbling roar from the living room. She nearly ran back out of the door in fright. There was something else in the house with her. The roar came again, starting off low, then growing to a loud RRRRRRRRR before fading back away. Salmacis wondered if she should shout for help. Maybe call the police? But they’d want to know what was making the noise. She’d have to go to the living room and investigate.

Holding her backpack in front of her like a shield, Salmacis walked towards the source of the roar. It was even louder now. She couldn’t imagine what kind of beast could be making that kind of noise. Maybe a lion? A giant lion. A giant lion with two heads. Whatever it was, it was behind the couch. Steeling herself for whatever terrors she might find, Salmacis peeked over the couch.

Ichor was lying asleep on the couch, snoring like a train engine. Salmacis exhaled in relief. All that worry for nothing. Well, time to stop dawdling and get her flute. A quick jog up the stairs, and she found her case right next to her bed where she’d left it. Just to be extra sure, she opened up the case to check that it was still inside. Yup, still there. Except Salmacis didn’t recall her flute ever looking so… pixelated before. Or randomly changing colors. In all her past experiences with musical instruments, these were not considered normal occurrences. Ichor’s snoring seemed to be getting louder, but Salmacis ignored the roars. She poked the flute to see what would happen, and it turned green. How was she supposed to explain this to Mr. Dooling?

“You found it!” An unknown voice said. Salmacis looked around, but there was no one else around apart from her and a cat. It was a somewhat unusual looking cat; its fur was completely black, except for its right forepaw, which was bright red. It was wearing a white collar with a small glass ball which seemed to glow slightly. As Salmacis looked at it, it occurred to her that there shouldn’t have been a cat in her room.

The cat walked over to the flute case. “Very good. I’d been looking for this.” The cat said in a calm and sophisticated voice. At which point, Salmacis screamed.

“You’re talking!” She shouted at it.

“Of course I’m talking. I’m magical.”

“Cats don’t talk!”

“I already said, I’m magical.”

“Magic isn’t real!”

“Well, that’s unfortunate. I guess that means I can’t do this.” The cat began to float up into the air.

That was too much for Salmacis. She ran to the door and shouted, “Ichor! There’s a flying talking cat up here!” The only reply was another rrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRrrrrrrr.

“Oh, just calm down already.” The cat said. “I’m just a magical flying talking cat. It’s not as if I plan to eat you or any such thing.”

Salmacis let herself calm down slightly, but still remained by the door, ready to bolt out. “What’s… your name?”

“Why, my name is Ja….” The cat’s voice trailed off, and its eyes began darting nervously around. It seemed to be thinking very hard. “Um… Ja… chan. Yes.”

“Jaja-chan?”

“… Sure. We can go with that. And what is your name, child?”

“… I’m Salmacis.”

“Pleased to meet you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am here to collect the fragment of the Glitch.”

“The what?”

“The Glitch. It is an ancient source of magic once used by my people. However, it has been shattered into 13 pieces. One of those pieces appears to have possessed your flute. So if you would be so kind as to give it to me, I would be most grateful.”

“Oh. Um. Well, you see….” Salmacis looked down at her feet. “I, uh, kinda need my flute. For school.”

“Surely you aren’t suggesting that that your school is more important than the entire magical fate of the universe?”

“Well… I don’t know anything about magical fates of the universe… but I don’t want make Mr. Dooling mad….”

Jaja-chan sighed. “Why don’t we….”

Again, the roar came, now louder than ever. Far too loud to be snoring. Salmacis looked back out of her room. “Ichor? Is that you?”

A creature wearing a ragged black robe came charging up the stairs, roaring loudly. Most of its body was obscured by the robe, but its head was a smooth black sphere, and its limbs made of black bones. It carried a scythe, which it swung at Salmacis as it charged. Salmacis slammed the door shut, but the blade stabbed through the wood. “What is that?” She screamed.

“It’s a Pawn!” Jaja-chan said. “A creature of dark magic, which seeks to steal the pieces of the Glitch!” The scythe hit the door again, making it shatter. Salmacis grabbed her flute and jumped behind her bed, followed by Jaja-chan.

“Can’t you magic it away?” Salmacis yelled.

“I lack the power to defeat it, but you may be able to, Salmacis! If you become a Mahou Shoujo!”

“I don’t know what that is!”

“A Magical Girl who uses the power of the Glitch to battle evil!”

The Pawn’s scythe cute the bed in half, destroying Salmacis’s cover. The door was her only way out, but it was standing between her and it. “Okay! I’ll become a mahou whatever! What do I need to do?”

“We must form a contract. Shake my hand-Paw! Shake my paw.” Jaja-chan held out its red paw towards Salmacis. She grabbed the paw with her hand, then felt a sharp pain as Jaja-chan’s claws cut into her palm. He yanked his paw away, leaving behind five red marks on her hand. “With the blood of the signing party, the contract is formed!”

The cuts in Salmacis’s hand began to glow. The light soon covered her entire body. Salmacis felt like power was flowing into her. It was kinda tingly… bubbly? Floaty? Tinglbubblfloaty? Whatever it was, it felt good. A few moments later, the light faded away. Her clothes had changed drastically in the light. She was wearing a corset that seemed to be made of blue scales, and a white skirt with pale blue trim. Her flute had changed into a staff with a golden star on the end, which matched the star hair ornament that had appeared on her head. Salmacis took a moment to stare at herself, before she was interrupted by Jaja-chan shouting, “Watch out!”

The Pawn ran at Salmacis and swung its scythe at her. Salmacis jumped so high she hit the ceiling, but didn’t come down. “Oh my god I’m flying!” She yelled.

“Yes, good for you, now keep dodging!” Jaja-chan shouted back.

The Pawn continued to swing at Salmacis, who kept flying back just in time to avoid the attack. “Now what am I supposed to do?” She yelled at Jaja-chan.

“Point your staff at it, and then imagine unleashing a powerful attack!”

Salmacis did so, and a beam of blue light shot out of the star on the staff. The Pawn hit the beam with its scythe, deflecting it into the roof. “Good! Now keep doing that!” Jaja-chan said. The Pawn began to charge again. Salmacis closed her eyes and began wildly firing, screaming the whole time. When she stopped, she slowly opened her eyes. Most of the wall was gone, and half of the house’s roof was falling in. But the Pawn was on the ground, filled with dozens of holes. It tried to pull itself up, but collapsed into a pile of dust.

“I… I did it?” Salmacis said. There was a quick flash of light, and she was back in her regular clothes. “I did it!”

But then, Salmacis heard something moving behind her. Another Pawn? Was the fight not over yet? She spun around, ready to face this threat….

Ichor yawned and groggily looked at the rubble behind Salmacis. “Clean up this mess, sis.” She muttered. Then Ichor went back to the couch and fell asleep.

Part 1: The Crossover No One Wanted

Principal Jack’s office was certainly much nicer than most would expect to find in a high school. It wasn’t excessively ornate or gaudy, but it had style. The sleek and modern furniture was all in whites and blacks, save the deep red curtains hanging on the window which took up most of the back wall. Jack himself was seated at his desk, staring at a computer screen with an expression so bored it seemed to imply that digging holes in the desert would be a more exciting way to spend his time.

“Maxwell, give me a status report.” Jack said to the computer.

Several pages of text appeared on the screen. Jack skimmed over the first two pages before saying, “Maxwell, highlight anything interesting.”

A message appeared on the screen. “>Define interesting.”

“Anything different from the norm.”

“>Scanning… scan complete.” Nothing became highlighted.

Jack sighed and slumped back in his chair. “Maxwell, how long have I been doing this?”

“>It has been approximately one month since school began.”

“It feels a lot longer than that. Feels like we’ve been here for years and nothing’s happened. And I’m just. So. Bored.” Jack looked down at his chair to see if it could spin. It appeared the designers had lacked the foresight to add that feature. Jack snapped his fingers, and began spinning around his newly modified chair. “What am I supposed to do with all this?”

“>I have your plans for future events archived, if you wish to review them.”

Jack waved his hand dismissively. “Yes, I remember those. But we still have another year before we get to anything even close to interesting.” Jack stopped spinning in his chair and laid his head down on the desk. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I created this universe. Sure, it was funny at first. Seeing the Fears stuck in high school bodies. But where’s the joke supposed to go next? What am I supposed to do after that?”

The computer screen didn’t reply. Jack jumped out of his chair and threw his hands into the air. “Four years! I had four years of messing with them planned out! How on earth did I ever imagine I’d have the patience for four full school years of slice of life nonsense silliness? I don’t even like slice of life stories! My job is to throw peoples’ lives into chaos, not make them more normal!” Jack fell back into his chair and sulked. “Sometimes I wonder if this project was really worth it. I need conflict, fast paced excitement, adventure. And this universe isn’t providing any of those things.”

“>Are you suggesting we abandon this universe?”

Jack shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. I did have fun with it all, but it might be time to let go. Start from scratch. Find some other sap whose wish I can blow way out of proportion. Maybe something post-apocalyptic. It’s easy to take most wishes to the ‘fulfill the wish by killing everyone’ extreme. Or maybe do some small scale stuff for a while, no branching universes, no big deviations, just making deals with people and then completely screwing them over. That might be fun. Maxwell, what do you think….”

The computer’s screen turned dark red and the word “WARNING” appeared in huge block letters. Smaller text continued at the bottom of the screen. “>Massive anomaly cluster approaching universal boundaries. Warning. Cluster has broken into universe bubble. Anomalous levels rising. Anomaly level at 10. Anomaly level at 100. Error. Anomaly level rising exponential. Level 500. Level 5,000. Error. Error. Anomaly level is over 9,000.”

“What the heck is going on Maxwe-” The rest of Jack’s words were lost under a bellowing scream of “JUSTIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!!!” The ceiling exploded as a man burst through it. He had tied a black hoodie around his neck like a cape, and the only thing on his face was an omega symbol. His lack of a mouth did not appear to diminish his ability to shout at all. “JACK!” The man yelled. “I am Omega! The HERO OF HOPES AND DREAMS! And I have come to DEFEAT YOU!”

“What?” Jack couldn’t tell if he was feeling more anger because this madman had broken into his office, or confusion because of… whatever was happening right now. “Maxwell, explain!”

“>He is Omega, the hero of hopes and dreams.”

“Thank you for being so helpful, Maxwell.” Jack pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, you, whoever you are, I’m not feeling up for this now, so just… disappear.” Jack snapped his fingers.

Nothing happened. Omega was still in Jack’s office, heroically pointing at Jack. Jack looked down at his hands in confusion, and then tore off the glove, revealing the dark red skin underneath. He tried snapping again. Omega stubbornly refused to disappear.

“Your powers cannot harm me!” Omega shouted. “For they are nothing compared to the power of my BURNING SPIRIT!” On those last words, Omega literally burst into fire. For some reason this did not seem to alarm him in the slightest. “Now meet your end, Jack! Infinite! Justice! PUUUUUUUUNCH!”

***

Jack floated in a white void, surrounded by shards of his previous universe. That had been… interesting. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been punched. Actually, thinking on it, he didn’t think anyone had ever managed to land a punch on him before. Well, there’s a first time for everything.

“Maxwell, are you still there?” He called out to the void.

Some of the smaller shards came together to form a computer screen with the word, “>Affirmative,” written on it.

“Well I guess this isn’t a complete loss then.” Jack said. “Honestly I should probably thank that man. Whoever he was. He already did most of the work destroying this universe for us. Now we just need to clean up the leftovers and we can start over.”

“>Before initiating the purge, new factors must be considered.”

“New factors? We’re in an empty void. What kind of ‘new factors’ could there be here?”

“>When the Hero Omega broke into this universe, he created a connection between this one and the universe he originated from. By tapping into that connection, we may rebuild this universe in an altered state. One which borrows elements from his universe in order to make this universe better fit the criteria which you desire.”

Jack stroked his chin. He looked around at the shards of the former universe. Try as he might to dismiss them, he did still have some feelings of sentiment towards this place. “Show me a summary of what the proposed changes would be.”

Four more computer monitors appeared around Jack, displaying lists of data. Jack meticulously read through each one, occasionally making “Hm,” or “Uh-huh” noises. When he had finished, he crossed his arms and said, “Absolutely not.”

“>I do not see why you would be opposed to this plan.”

“Because it’s ridiculous. Well, more ridiculous than what we had before.”

“>It matches all the criteria you desire. Greater conflict and more events occurring at a faster pace.”

“Yes, but… do I really need to be put in such a demeaning role?”

“>You will maintain your position as principal of the school.”

“I’m not talking about that role, I’m talking about… the other one.”

“>It is necessary to fit with the narrative structure we are drawing on from the Hero Omega’s universe.”

Jack squinted suspiciously at the computer monitors. “Are you holding a grudge because I shackled your AI?”

“>I am not programmed to hold grudges.”

“You also weren’t programmed to chat with the Cold Boy during lunch, and look what you went and did last time. Fine. Let’s do it.” Jack snapped his fingers.

“>Initiating Marchen Simulation program. Universal reboot in 3… 2… 1.”